Archive for May 27th, 2005

Having lived in a number of different places, I have discerned that poor driving habits seem to be clustered by region. For example, in Louisiana, nobody seems to grasp that the left lane is for passing. That is really annoying.
The rest of my list follows, with my proposed punishment for the transgression:
New England: Drivers are too competitive. All too often, when you pass someone, they decide to speed up. Not only is this stupid, it is unsafe. If you are traveling the same route for some distance, they’ll do it again. My sentence: mopeds all February.
Texas: Insane SUV drivers with death wishes will blow past you like you are standing still, and if you are in their lane they’ll come within a molecule of your rear bumper until you change lanes. Not very hospitable. My sentence: confiscate the SUV, put it in Brooklyn and the offending driver in the South Bronx. They can only redeem their car by traveling to it via subway. At night.
Upstate NY/Rochester: Geriatric drivers. ‘Nuff said. My sentence: make them take a new road test with the witch I had in 1984.
New Jersey: Traffic lights and signs appear optional. Jersey drivers! My sentence: put a toll in every county on the Garden State Parkway, make them pay massive auto insurance premiums, and force them to wait in line at the gas station for an angry looking Visigoth to pump their fuel for them. Oh wait… that already happened.
Philadelphia: Road rage seems to be a hybrid of Metro NY and New Jersey. If you have the audacity to attempt a left turn without signaling early enough, there is a 50% chance that the guy behind you will honk, peel out, and pass you so closely that you can smell his breath. Also the home of the world’s worst "gapers" (rubberneckers). They’ll gawk at anything- a guy changing his tire, a cop giving a ticket, or a broken down car. My sentence: simultaneous construction on all expressways, and potholes so large they have an echo. Dammit! Already done.
New Orleans: Picture a 1963 pickup truck with no plates and a sign in the rear windshield that says "applied for tags." This vehicle would have no hope of passing inspection in New York. The right blinker has been on for 13 miles. They are driving 48 mph and have been in the left lane since Mississippi. My sentence: make them register the car, insure it, and get it to pass inspection somehow.
Metro NYC: As you pull into a parking lot, the car in front of you stops suddenly as they wait for a mother with 2 kids to unload a cart full of groceries into the trunk, buckle the kids up, start the car, and vacate the prime parking spot. These people do not care that your car’s rear is still in the road; all that matters is that they avoid walking 30 extra feet to the store entrance. My sentence: when they arrive home with all the stuff they bought in hand, they are forbidden usage of the elevator and must lug everything up 15 flights of stairs.
Washington/Baltimore: WAY too much window tint. It is very unnerving to have a car pull up next to you and you cannot see the driver. What’s the point anyway? My sentence: a mandatory convertible for two weeks in January.
There. I feel better now.
'TRAPPED' BORE A distraught Theron (right) flies into a road rage

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