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Archive for May 19th, 2005

Dear Mr/Ms Stock Tip and Florida Vacation Fax Person:
Thank you for your kind offer. Last night (or should I say this morning?) when my wife and I were foolish enough to forget to turn off the fax machine, you took time from your busy day just to make us aware of your wonderful opportunity. Because of our forgetfulness, the ringer woke up our infant son (it was 3am) after a tough day of restless teething. What can I say? I guess the ensuing sleep deprived suffering builds character.
Here is the thing: My brother is a stock broker and I have friends on both coasts of Florida who will allow us free lodging whenever we wish. We are pretty much covered. If you would be kind enough, please stop faxing us your financial advice and vacation offers.
I must admit that my wife does not share my gratitude for your thoughtfulness. She would like to reach down your throat and pull out your intestines before setting your extremities on fire. She would then like to jam red hot knitting needles into your nostrils and ear canals and balm your wounds with red ants. She is somewhat embittered that we have to shell out money for a fax software program that will allow us to avoid your late night visits and that unplugging the regular fax machine has become as much of our daily ritual as drawing the shades and closing the windows. What can I say? Hormonal women.
At any rate, I must also inform you of a small glitch in your service. Your number to call to be removed from your list appears to have the opposite effect. My dear wife thinks you are liars, but I prefer to give you the benefit of the doubt. I am sure that when you receive this letter, you’ll fix everything and and make things just right again*. Have a great day!
Fax
*dopo il mio penis sviluppa un’unghia !
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TO: Barrister and Advocate Montgomery Constantine
FROM: Me
Sir:
I am in receipt of your elaborately worded email informing me of the tragic death of the assistant ambassador and his family in the automobile accident. I share your regret at his loss, and can sympathize that the $21 million is now left with no heir or beneficiary.
I could actually use the cash. Honest. However, it seems to me that you guys in Nigeria have a bit of a problem. You see, this is about the 400th time I have been informed of the premature death of a rich foreigner with no living heirs in your country. Why someone like that would deposit all their cash in a Nigerian Bank is beyond me (hello? Cayman Islands?), but I digress. Someone must be deliberately targeting them, no? It seems to me that a serial killer is running rich heirless foreigners (and their families) who have lawyers with fancy names off the road with alarming frequency in West Africa. So thanks for the kind offer, but no thanks. I wouldn’t want to get in the cross hairs of whoever is offing all the rich guys over there. Oh, and God Bless You as well. Good luck with finding a safe repository for the money before it gets confiscated by the governmental authorities.
Cc88

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The politically correct thought police have again successfully hoodwinked the media into making headline news out of a non -newsworthy story, this time of a woman who found a hate message in a Koran she bought online.
"I was taken back to after Sept. 11 and my fear of even leaving my apartment," Basarudin told a news conference.

The Muslim Public Affairs Council (MPAC) said Basarudin brought the matter to them about two weeks ago. The Council contacted Amazon.com who have apologized to Basarudin, refunded her money, sent out a new copy of the Koran and issued her a gift certificate.

Amazon said it had also suspended Pennsylvania-based Bellwether Books, which packaged and mailed the Koran in question, from selling the Koran and had asked for an internal investigation.

But the MPAC said it wanted Amazon to issue a public apology and condemnation and establish a zero-tolerance policy toward sellers and employees.

Good gravy. Talk about overreacting. Yes, that is a bad, but how about a zero tolerance policy from Muslim groups on Islamo-fascism? Why are the feelings of a select minority more important than innocent lives? If they want US companies to police themselves, how about they police THEMSELVES?

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Frank Gorshin, a yeoman actor perhaps best known for his portrayal of the tight-costumed Riddler on the Batman TV series in the 60’s, has gone to Gotham City in the sky.
Frank must have been a high demand guy in that decade for any role that required Robin Hood-type tights that left little to the imagination. Try as I might, whenever I saw him in another role, I could not refrain from recalling his immodest bulge from those various roles. That is too bad, because the guy was nominated for an Emmy more than once.
Godspeed, Mr. Bulge.

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…sort of. I’m not hardcore enough to wait in line for hours, so I’ll wait a week or two and catch a daytime showing of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. So much has been written elsewhere I have little to add. Along with Star Trek and James Bond, this is one of the franchises I have enjoyed for quite some time for many reasons.
Some people aren’t big fans, which is fine by me. No law says you have to be, and I like a little elbow room in the theater anyway. All the critics who extrapolate deep meanings and/or attempt to deconstruct the thing do bore me, however. It is classic good guys and bad guys set in space with medieval/mythical archetypes tossed in. Big deal. Lucas is not trying to write a Da Vinci Code here. He’s just a better than average storyteller in the opinion of many (although not original-see Hidden Fortress).
Anyway, I am for any diversion that takes me back to when I was 10 for two hours.

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